It is an unarguable fact that everything comes from somewhere, even black holes, although admittedly they go nowhere. This guide is a reassuring example of a piece of work that comes from somewhere and goes absolutely nowhere. It is the result of a comprehensive study of N.Poolings works and features every last piece discovered of his writings on Planetary Inhabitation. The full document which was written in fragments over several years by Mr. Noel Pooling, begins with the first article ever found which was written in 2060 at the very height of celestial inhabitations entitled simply ‘Instalment: A.QZ Section 74’ also known as ‘Location’.

Noel Pooling was a largely uneventful man, who was characterised so by many friends for neatly fitting the criteria of being both large and uneventful simultaneously. He did not live to see his works produced to print and his remaining books are widely sought after for immediate publication, although it is believed most originals are scattered through a complex network of charity shops, libraries and school fairs. Poolers is a term often used to refer to a person who actively seeks out Pooling originals, a pursuit that is famous for having a disproportionate ratio of effort to success. The largest discovery ever made was by a Mr. T. Watters when he was awarded 2 of Poolings diaries as a Tombola prize at Cramond Primary School. He was later quoted as saying “Well when I say my number, 10/6, I thought there was no way I had won, I mean I’m still pretty sure to this day that 10/6 isn’t even a valid tombola ticket number.”, despite his early scepticism Watters would go on to embrace his discovery and was remembered in history infamously for the lavish frivolity with which he would squander his millions.

Noel Pooling, who lived a quiet life in Twitswallow, was content in observing the behaviour of mankind and noting the many oddities of it. It took one very slow autumn to spur him onto a new past time that would encapsulate his remaining days. Destiny had bestowed time upon him, a gift not often given to mortal men and with this time he would start a new diary. This diary proved to in fact be a book, a book which would lead on to another book and another and another. In this manor Pooling would continue and so it is left for historians and Poolers today to track down his long lost diaries. With each new discovery comes a new book and a new chapter in the Comprehensive Guide to Inhabiting a Planet, a work that will remain elusively unfinished for the foreseeable future.

Pooling was a firm believer in a self confessed truth that ‘anything worth knowing could be taught in three sections’ which he then later abbreviated to ‘anything worth knowing can be taught in three sections within which each section is compartmentalised into infinite sections’. A revision which drew him wide praise in the academic and intellectually deficient communities. It was this praise and the subsequent popularity of his book which lead to the British Armies Lunar Legion Space-division’s complete dominance of all non-intelligent space systems. BALLS worked in coordination with ‘Planet Movers’ to help them establish their newly acquired worlds and in many cases went above and beyond the call of duty to put down any territorial pest control issues in the name of Human Kind and the Empire of BALLS.  For 50 years throughout known space first contact with a new non-intelligent race often consisted of a meet and greet, quickly succeeded by a 5 day bombing campaign at the end of which the acquisition was finalised with a document of ownership signed by the head of the remaining life forms followed quickly by a light parade with fanfare.

Mr Pooling was also noted for being the first person to receive life insurance that was invalid on commemorative holidays, saving him a fortune in the long term. Unfortunately after Mr Pooling’s death and subsequent discovery of his novels and genius, a commemorative holiday was announced on the date of his death; this was indorsed by his insurance company, hailed to be ‘in honour of his forward thinking’. Ironically and unforeseen by his insurance company this invalidated his policy which lead to the repossession by the company of all his remaining possessions. Mr Pooling died on a Thursday at Waverly station when he boarded the 11:52 to London, as the train was running late this was thirty seconds before it had pulled into the station, at the point in which it did Mr Pooling was passed over quietly.

What follows is his unabridged work ‘A Comprehensive Guide to Inhabiting a Planet’.


W. Goodspeed